Big, Baffling Behaviors? Beginning with Comfort & Connection.
- Arboro Empowered
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
Where do I even start when my kid’s behavior comes out of nowhere? Comfort and connection as tools for co-Regulation
By Anna Thomas, LMFT
“I am feeling overwhelmed and hurt by my kid’s screaming and it’s like 0 to 60 and I don’t know why.”
“We’ve tried time-outs, reward charts, explaining the rules... Nothing is helping---well one thing is, but I’m realizing I’m starting to depend on the tablet more and more.”
“I lost track of time after I got home. One of my kids was asking me to look at homework, the other two were fighting with each other, and I hadn’t eaten all day. It didn’t take five minutes for me to get into the house, give up and give in… I wish I could be a better parent–is it me or my kid or all of us?”
Anna is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and play therapist who works in person with children, families, couples and parents at Carolina Pines Counseling Center in Greensboro.
Working as a child and family therapist and just as a human being, I have seen and FELT the rollercoaster of disregulation (unstable emotional states). It can feel like a meta-game of Hide and Seek, Charades, and Catchphrase, trying to connect with kids. Our brains, nervous systems, and family relationships show up to play in these conversations and confessions. We seek solutions that both repair and change, leaving many attempts feeling like another loss rather than getting to celebrate with the winning team. It’s about learning how our bodies and behaviors impact one another.
Robyn Goebbel wrote a book called: “Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors.” Fitting, huh? It is helpful for me when I am puzzled by behaviors.
She echoes something we all may need to hear. “All behavior makes sense.” Through a compassionate lens, Robyn provides helpful insight to the brain, relationships, and experiences (including through neurodivergence and trauma lenses) for kids, and caregivers. The book explores how emotional responses show up in our bodies.
She points out that behaviors often indicate an underlying need someone expresses with their whole being. Her imagery of an Owl, a Watchdog, and a Possum, and where they are in the brain, helps grown-ups and children make sense of our regulation cues with our kids and experiences using tools within the realm of regulation!
Big Baffling Behaviors offers strategies to guide where and how to get started when navigating a baffling behavior in a child. They invite us to start asking, “What’s the need?” Begin with basic needs- comfortability, connection. That leads us to ask, “Is it something that is related to their clothing, someone’s fight the other day, a recurring fear at night, or even the anticipation of change?
Then what? Try co-regulation, a form of stewarding care through a call and response, providing and receiving care for another. Compassion can increase our ability to provide for the emotional needs of our kids each time we offer it to them.
Let’s revist the quotes shared at the top of this blog post. How might co-regulation be used as a tool in those moments of overwhelm for the kids and the grown-ups? It’s what we would call the “bottom-up” approach, working with the limbic system in memory formation, emotional responses, and physical acts.
Comfortability
Find ways to co-direct their resources and choices for their physical bodies with food/drink, water/earth, and movement. There may be seasons of trial and error as you’re adjusting to their adjustments and your own awareness of identifying the present need.
“I am feeling overwhelmed and hurt by my kid’s screaming, and it’s like 0 to 60, and I don’t know why.”
Consider basic needs. When did they last eat? Did they stay up late last night? Are they worried about something? How can you offer compassion and empathy- offering a snuggle, a snack, a dance-off and then finding a way to remind them of their resilience?
Connection
Provide structure, routine, and predictability in your approach. This is one way trust is developed for increased curiosity and repair.
“We’ve tried time-outs, reward charts, and explaining the rules. Nothing is helping---well one thing is, but I’m realizing I’m starting to depend on the tablet more and more.”
How does connection show up in these expectations? Maybe it isn't. Are these expectations simple and measurable? Our capacity as parents to keep connection in mind when there seems to be a list of things that need to change can drag us down. Learning what motivates our kids also helps us to ask, What part of the brain (and age) is coming up with this idea? This can help us begin to try new structures, routines, and predictability to see what has improved and what needs adjusting.
Sometimes you can plan ahead with research but other times, it’s like a “wild-card” day. I love using UNO® wild-cards for this purpose! When plans change for the day, I’ll say, “Oh! Wild card played!” as an opportunity to develop acceptance and learn flexibility, creatively and consistently.
“I lost track of time after I got home. One of my kids was asking me to look at homework, the other two were fighting with each other, and I hadn’t eaten all day. It didn’t take five minutes for me to get into the house, give up and give in… I wish I could be a better parent–is it me or my kid or all of us?”
What are you facing where you may need a grounding routine too? I think we can all benefit from a Mr. Roger’s ritual–change our shoes and fit, and it can change our whole mood. What change might help you in the first five minutes of getting home to prevent chaos from erupting? What do you need so that you can find an order to your kids’ needs?
Once the chaos is underway, how do we interrupt it with connection- maybe it’s a calm approach and giving them a plan of the rest of the evening and how you’ll be in charge–but it could also be through an impromptu dance off where everyone is moving their bodies and bringing movement, humor, and celebration of creativity to get to that executive order (yours, theirs, and all y’alls!).
As you become more connected in these moments, you’re also becoming a holder of their feelings, desires, concerns, and thoughts, which move you toward harmony and attunement. As things change and they grow, hopefully you notice you’re more interested, curious, engaged, creative, and potentially enjoying your kid in a way that you haven’t in a while or in a new way because of what is making more sense now. Your kid may feel the same way! You may also find some felt grief and loss in reflecting on what and how you’ve both grown. It all matters.
I’m hosting a book talk for Robyn’s book and would love for you to meet you and have you join us in the discussion in whatever capacity is best for you. There are things mentioned in this blog that also may be what you’ve been doing, and you find it’s still not enough, please know there are professionals like speech, occupational, and play therapists who want to come alongside you! If you’re looking for something more therapeutic, let’s start a conversation about services for yourself, your child, or your family. We can discover wonder in the big baffles that exist. I know it’s in your child, and I believe it’s in you too. Let’s find it together!
If you want a place to make sense the baffling behaviors you encounter or are interested in learning more about play therapy, Anna is currently accepting new clients and loves to help people (of all ages) grow from hope into connection. Anna recently moved here from the Chicagoland area but has roots in many places around the world. You can find her playing at www.carolinapinescounseling.org
Comment below and tell us about a success or challenge you've faced with a baffling behavior.
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